Repressing emotions is a self-defense mechanism. Each one of us does it at some point – because of cultural norms, because acting otherwise would be a social blunder, because we’re not sure what we’re hiding and it’s one of our current blind spots, because it saves us from collapsing in a hysterical expression of grief. And this inability to express a part of ourselves, a core part of who we are, which desperately claws at our insides is often the root of the uneasiness and mild anxiety that seems to change in intensity but is always present just under the skin.

In the past I have felt a slightly tense, slightly energizing sensation at times when I was hiding a part of myself. Perhaps I was afraid to say something to my partner, or to my friend who rubbed me the wrong way, afraid to ask for a raise I felt I fully deserved. Afraid what it would mean if I had a social engagement on the calendar I didn’t want to participate in and would rather be elsewhere but felt obligated to attend because of social obligation. Damned either way. Often, though, this gnawing feeling that something inside me wants to be let out, some part of me wants to be shared, heard, understood, accepted or challenged – this feeling takes a long time to mature in to something I could express verbally in a coherent way. The time from when I notice this seed of wanting something and before it matures in to a fruit I can partake in sometimes takes days, sometimes months, sometimes a realization will arrive that had its seed planted by an experience from years ago which I have completely forgot. Forcing the issue via active searching rarely got me to a resolution in the past; growth is organic, it can’t be engineered the whole way.

There is something to be said about blind-spots – parts of ourselves that remain hidden from our conscious for a time. And that’s a good thing – if everything was illuminated at the same time there would be no mystery, no way to take the time to explore each new revelation. It would be easy to find oneself overwhelmed with wave after wave of all new discoveries about ourselves coming to light all at once…like drinking from a fire hydrant. This would almost be a disservice – not being able to revel and enjoy each one as they come up; relegated to constant struggle to keep up with new experiences, thoughts, patterns.

If forcing the issue doesn’t work, if that leads to a dead end, to a branch too far removed from primal experience – what works? Is there a process?

In personal finance there is an idea of a snowball effect. What this means is that a person who is looking to change their circumstances – in personal finance area of their life or any other – the surest way to do that is to start where you are. Take stock of what’s around you, how you feel, what are your current circumstances like. You might say to yourself: “I’m happy but I have this persistent feeling that I’m missing something, and I don’t know what that is.” And that’s already progress because until this point there was nothing at all to work with.

The idea of a snowball is to start where we are – with a perspective of something missing and not knowing what it is – and then let each observation of our awareness to build on each other. Noticing how quickly (or slowly) your perspective changes is also part of that observation. The point isn’t to get somewhere – it’s just to do the process and continue with small steps which are as easy as possible. It’s not a race, it’s a challenge. This doesn’t even need to be expressed to others around us – it works equally well to just allow this growing awareness to unfold on its own. Eventually the snowball will reach critical mass – all we have to do is to bring up and expose what’s there – and when that moment arrives I notice myself being able to tackle many challenges seemingly at once and make very quick, lasting progress that is permanent.

My challenge to you is to explore that part of yourself that you hide inside. By exploring it, bringing it to light, and accepting it as part of who you currently are will allow this seed of a feeling you had at the beginning to blossom and bear fruit – a sweet fruit of authentic understanding of yourself which you will be able to share with others around you. Because we can’t share something that we’re hiding inside.