Everyone wants to be involved in happy and fulfilling relationships. Sometimes people choose to be single so they have more time and resources to pursue other interests or goals. There is however no sane person who by choice enters in to a relationship which they deem as detrimental to their own wellbeing. Sometimes people will stay in a relationship which is not healthy or not good for them in other way but this only occurs in an already established relationship. People never choose to begin a relationship wich from the start is unpleasant or obviously unhealthy.
The main reason some relationships flourish and others dwindle is the choice of a partner. This is true for any relationship – romantic, personal or business. Here I am primarily interested in the romantic relationships, but I’m sure many parallels can be drawn to business partnerships and friendships.
It is easy to conclude that all relationships start of well – if they don’t start off well then a relationship usually doesn’t start at all. This is perhaps most evident in romantic relationships – if for whatever reason the interaction between people isn’t pleasant from the beginning there is no chance that a romantic relationship can form as a continuation of that initial interaction. But there are many examples to illustrate that even when interactions are pleasant the relationships which form quickly evolve in to unhealthy and are detrimental to the overall wellbeing of one or even both people. So this obvious requirement, although necessary, isn’t nearly enough for partners to remain happy and fulfilled as time goes on. Even more importantly, there are many successful relationships which form and last for many years and survive many troubling or close-to-catastrophic events (job loss, financial ruin, infidelity, infertility, deception, etc.) While both partners would say they are happy and fulfilled it would seem virtually impossible for an outside observer to conclude how the relationship can survive, let alone thrive despite the troubles and not fall apart. Such a resilient relationship is only possible with a partner who is a good match to you. In romantic relationships a lot of weight is given to sexual attraction, the feeling of lust, and perhaps a few personal habits of the individual and perhaps a dash of personal values and basic character traits. With people who are interested in establishing a committed and hopefully long-lasting relationship some the other factors are also considered in addition to the obvious ones: income prospects, reliability, and desire to have or not have children, career goals and maybe geographic preferences. If you’ve always wanted to relocate to Australia or Japan or Colorado and your partner wants to stay in East Village of New York City it’s easy to see that such a relationship, even if it gets off the ground, can’t possibly last once one of the partners begins seeing the other as holding them back or dragged elsewhere against their will.
While learning more about romantic relationships and paying particular attention to my many friends, relatives, co-workers and acquaintances’ relationships over the last several years, some patterns emerge which illustrate what kind of relationships last and which don’t. Not to say that the relationships that last are trouble free – in the end there will always be disagreements and unpredictability. I mean successful in the sense that both partners maintain a happy and cheerful long-term disposition towards each other and both continue to see each others’ contribution as integral to their wellbeing. Perhaps more importantly is that while the relationship evolves and both partners maintain a sense of connectedness with each other which fails to develop quickly in relationships which don’t survive the rigors and turmoil of life – because the partnership wasn’t optimal from the beginning. And what if there was a way to know in advance if your budding relationship or a certain someone who has caught your eye is a good match? Obviously if you’re not interested in pursuing a long-term or a “serious” relationship this is irrelevant. But most people would readily accept a good partner by their side so long as that partner contributes positivity and supports them in their endeavors. People who choose to remain single at various times tend to do so because they believe that out of potential partners none are fit to fulfill their present needs. This is true for committed and budding romantic relationships alike. Once a romantic relationship is established just about the only reason people split up is because one or both partners no longer see the other person as complementary to their own direction or desires. Their primary interests diverge enough that remaining together would inevitably result in a diminished quality of life for one or both of the involved.
In my personal experience partners have to be at about the same level of emotional maturity for a relationship to work long-term. This is not a conscious choice but the law of romantic attraction is that:
You are attracted to the people who are roughly at your own level of emotional maturity. Further, you can only maintain a healthy inter-dependent relationship with a partner who is at the same level of maturity as you.
If you consider that statement above, it just makes sense on an intuitive level. You know that at the core your current and past partners were of about the same maturity as you were at the time. In long-term relationships which span months, years and decades, often one of the people will grow faster than the other and soon enough the two are no longer at the same level emotionally. This stage is easy to see due to seemingly irresolvable conflicts beginning to surface. Unless an effort is made to bring both individuals to the same level the relationship will disintegrate or become dysfunctional. In some relationships one partner will “pull-up” the other when the mismatch becomes too surface, but of course often that doesn’t happen. In other cases some external circumstances like childhood abuse or some other traumatic event freeze individuals’ emotional maturity level and unless the scars of such trauma are relieved the person will be unable (despite their logical desire and earnest effort) to grow as an individual. What makes this even harder is that success in a highly coveted area like politics, arts, business or recognition academic circles doesn’t necessarily translate in to personal emotional maturity. There are many examples of high-ranking officials acting in immature ways. Unfortunately, examples of immature behavior by celebrities and sports stars also abound.
This brings us to the question of what exactly can you do to ensure that you select a good partner for yourself? It’s good to have some common hobbies and interests, and sexual attraction is a given when evaluating romantic relationship prospects – but how do you know if the potential partner is a good match? As you understand that emotional maturity is the foundation of personality and by extension a long-lasting relationship, what can you look for in people to decide if they are a good match?
I have found that the easiest way to learn about an individual’s maturity level is to pay attention and bring your awareness how that person interacts with his or her surrounding. Because people are consistent in how they navigate the situations which arise, it’s easy to predict how an individual’s maturity level will continue to grow or stay still. What makes this possible is the understanding that maturity is largely a function of both acquisition of new experiences and reflection on those experiences and learning from them. Of course if the attraction is mutual at present it’s easy to see that both of you are at about the same level of maturity. The challenge is to figure out if in the future you will both grow as individuals together or if you will end up at different levels as one of you grows and the other either fails to evolve or matures at a different rate. The things which will instantly tell you this are:
1. How the person establishes boundaries
This is the most important factor which will determine someone’s personality. The more mature an individual is, the more clearly defined are their boundaries. This is not to say that they have stringer “walls,” but that they have more “doors” than “holes.” Immature people have a lot of holes in their personal boundary, and so are very vulnerable to outside influence. But having all “walls” is immature too – it’s the quintessential “asshole” or a “princess.” This is the person who is unable to establish open and healthy relationships. The term often used to describe such individuals is “emotionally unavailable.” Perhaps the most emotionally mature person who comes to mind is the Dalai Lama – virtually all of his boundaries are doors and many years of meditation and contemplation brought his level of self-awareness to such a point that these “doors” are consciously closed or open by choice. The emotional state is completely under his conscious control. While I’m sure Dalai Lama get angry and sad and happy like everyone else, he is mature enough to be emotionally open when needed and also to establish firm boundaries by “closing the doors” when situation warrants it. It’s easy to see what type of boundaries a person has by observing how they interact with other people and with their environment – what situations get them riles up in uncontrollable rage or happiness and also what behavior they expect and (more importantly) continue to accept from others in their life. Do they believe that they are responsible for controlling everything and everyone because they don’t have solid boundaries and so can’t tell where their responsibility ends or are they a “stone-wall” who is unable to connect on an emotional level with anyone?
2. How the person makes decisions
Above I mentioned that only a person who has a certain level of self-awareness can operate the “doors” of their personal boundary. Having “walls” (door is close all the time) or “holes” (door is open all the time) are the sign that an individual isn’t very mature emotionally. Once you see personal boundary as a collection of doors which can be open or closed, the question arises how would a person decide whether to keep the door open or closed. This requires awareness of your own motivations and needs. This is the reason why immature people tend to behave “out of place.” Most people know that people are largely emotional creatures and decisions and actions are driven by their emotions at the moment. Self-awareness is what allows an individual to exert conscious control over their own mood and so direct their behavior. Everyone has needs and these desires don’t magically disappear because you are dating someone. More likely you are fulfilling some of those emotional needs by dating someone. As often is the case with less mature individuals, becoming romantically interested in someone just adds more needs and wants on top of existing ones. There is nothing inherently wrong with this – it’s good to have wants. That is the reason people set and achieve personal goals – to fulfill one of their internal needs. It’s hard to motivate yourself if you have no goals and no desires. And sexual attraction turns out to be a very strong motivator – due to evolutionary purpose for sex, but sexual desire is quite influential in the decisions not related to the selection of a partner as well. This is important because being self-aware allows you to make better decisions which are aligned with your needs. As a person makes more decisions consciously, their level of maturity grows. For example, think of a young child: immature, has wants and needs but can’t critically evaluate a situation to determine whether it’s beneficial or destructive. Consider an adult: more mature and also has needs and wants – but chooses to forego a slice of pizza because it might be detrimental to their health. An immature adult wouldn’t be able to make such a decision – no self-awareness, the “want” takes over and due to a “hole” in a personal boundary they are unable to say no. The easiest way to understand how this applies to the selection of a partner is to remember not to forget that people are very consistent. You can notice how a romantic interest chooses purchases, clothing attire, food ingredients and preparation. Pay attention to how they navigate every-day social situations and interactions with their friends and peers. Perhaps the most illustrative situation is how they act and the changes (or lack there of) in their mood when they don’t get what they want.
In unhealthy relationships people often perceive that one partner is more mature than another because they take care of the less mature individual. An extreme example is someone who takes care of a drug addict – clearly they don’t enjoy the arrangement but are unable to leave the relationship. But this doesn’t have to be this extreme. A roommate who keeps begrudgingly cleaning the house or washing the dishes while others who share living space don’t is not really more mature either. Remember, both individuals must be at about the same level for any relationship to ensure long-term happiness for all involved. While a drug addict is acting immature by refusing to address and manage their addiction, the partner is also just as immature by being unable to decide to “close the door” and refuse to tolerate the behavior they find unnerving, unpleasant or downright verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.
I hope this sheds some light on the fundamental requirements which need to be fulfilled as the basis for any long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. I also hope that as you navigate the world you will see interactions in a new light and by bringing more awareness to yourself you will be able to simultaneously become more aware of others. And that will undoubtedly assist you in finding and maintaining a lasting and happy relationship – in your romantic life, in your family life, in your friendships and with your co-workers.
