Everyone who is single and dating has their own list of deal breakers. For a second date to happen there must be some chemistry and physical attraction and at least enough commonality to continue the interaction at some future time. For many people the decision of whether there will be another date or not is mostly emotional and yet despite this people who have given their mate some thought will have a mental checklist of simple yes/no criteria one would use to help decide on the compatibility with a potential partner. The more serious and involved the relationship one ultimately seeks the more probing the questions will be.

For someone busy with work or school and who likes to socialize and spend time with many varying friends pursuing a variety of activities the questions might center around their date’s hobbies to see if there is any commonality. For someone who is ready to settle down and start a family the questions might be about their familial relationships values, background and whether they want to have kids in the future.

Some of the questions will be objective and factual – do you smoke? – while others are more behavioral – how did you end up with Chemistry as a major? Of course as I would listen to my date’s answers throughout the conversation, I would look for character traits I would consider important in someone I would spend time with.

Below are my personal favorites that I’ve found worked well for me in finding mates whom I would not only find physically attractive but also whom I would find interesting and intriguing. Most importantly, I also recognized that people are very consistent and barring extreme catalysts any significant change is unlikely. I also recognized that most of the people I would go on a date with wouldn’t be compatible with me because of my worldview and because I’m adamantly against getting into romantic relationships to save others. Coming from a place of satisfaction and fulfillment I was content to disqualify many potential mates on seemingly insignificant qualities because I could foresee such personality traits being prohibitive to forming the types of relationships I would ultimately want to develop.

You are not primary in your life

I’m only interested in creating relationships with others who honor themselves first and foremost; before their partner, before their family, before their friends or the religious organization they associate with. I consider myself a mature adult and thus I’m only interested in dating other mature adults. As an adult I take pride in my own autonomy. While I see waves and winds and currents of life as outside of my control, I don’t see myself as a victim of the circumstances and as such have no interest in spending my time with someone who relegates the steering of their ship to outsiders, no matter how well meaning their family and friends might be.

Your partner is not secondary in your life

I make an effort to be loyal and supportive to my partner. As such, it is a significant effort for me to develop and maintain a genuine, open and trustworthy relationship that doesn’t center on remaining the same and comfortable but instead is based on the idea of continuing development and personal character growth. Modern life places a lot of demands – career, friends, extended family, hobbies, personal and spiritual pursuits. Often times balancing all these demands means that I would need to know that when needed I will be able to depend on my partner for help and support. That means that their relationship with me must take precedence over anything else after their own needs are met. If my date honors their career or a parent’s opinion over their own self interest that’s enough for me to lose interest in pursuing a romantic relationship.

You don’t know why exactly your previous relationships ended

This one is two fold: either they’re completely disconnected from themselves, their past partners and what their needs are or they’re going to offer a useless but politically correct “we just grew apart.” In the first case this means my date hasn’t matured enough to know what they actually want in a partner and to be observant and perceptive enough to develop an understanding of their partner as an individual. Because I take no responsibility for development of others, I would also not hang around to find out if they will be able to pull themselves up to a level where such things would no longer prevent a solid relationship from forming. Offering a token response is even worse – not only is this an indication of attempting to manage my perception, worse this is an ultimate condescension by not even offering yourself fully in the interaction. I’m not interested in superficial interaction – If my date doesn’t care to be real then there is no possible continuity there.

You don’t know or refuse to express what you desire in a partner

This partially overlaps the previous point, but it also adds the hesitation to commit due to not defining what they would want – potentially realizing later rather than sooner that their relationship with me is not fulfilling. While it might take some time to find out if you are really compatible with someone, it should be easy for someone who is ready for a relationship to express what they would want out of one. Some people, especially women, choose to tip-toe or postpone expressing their needs until a relationship is already established and then are surprised because their “asshole” boyfriend of 3 years doesn’t want to be a father.

You expect your partner to fulfill all of your emotional needs

Beyond demonstrating inability to take care of your own needs as any adult would be expected to do, demonstrating this behavior would send anyone who has an understanding of human relationships and how to structure healthy interdependent partnerships running for the hills. Expecting one single individual to fulfil all of someone else’s emotional needs at best would lead to a co-dependent relationship which is unhealthy by definition and at worst demonstrates inability to comprehend personal boundaries – something critical in establishing a happy and fulfilling romantic relationship.

I have very high expectations from my partner, perhaps unusually so. This means that individuals I choose to connect with are few and far between; it also means that when I do connect with someone it’s on a much deeper level. I have also found that many other “criteria” people have are in practice not very useful in determining if a given person would be a good romantic partner. If all you’re looking is some physical fun then it’s OK to have low expectations. I’m already quite fulfilled in my life – whether there is a partner next to me or not – and so for me quality of my relationships consistently trump quantity. Of course other things like sexual compatibility, interests, culture, etc. play a role in how successful your relationship would be, forgetting the items above would virtually guarantee that you will be single again, just a few months in to your new relationship after the euphoria of being with a new partner calms down.